I Don't write on my personal blog anymore

I'm waiting for louie to finish up so we can leave already... went into my multiply to pass the time and I saw how slow my feed was... how the updates were few and far in between... looked at some of my albums and remembered how crazy things were back then when I had a lot more freedom a a lot less "responsibility". 

It was funny how I hated that my studies took up so much time before... but now its nothing compared to my 9.6 hour a day job.

I like my Job, its not bad... and I will get something out of it in the end... Its just that 24 hours doesn't seem enough anymore for me to do all the things i wanna do.

i spend 10.6 hours at work (the extra hour for lunch break)

and around 7 hours of sleep in the morning (if i wake up at around 7 am)

then lets say 1 hour of sleep at night (if i sleep at around 11pm)

so that amounts to 18.6 hours leaving 5.4 for everything else...

That amount is actually less when you count in travel time and stuff...

Its all a tad draining... I'm starting to miss the long breaks, the lunches and dinners at katip, movies and foodtrips at spanky's, going to UP or to the malls, meeting up with Don-Don and Raymond, the hours I grinded in front of the PS3...

Life sure has changed...

I've written this post on Jan 2, 2011 of this year... strange that i didn't publish it right away, but the feeling is still the same... time is fleeting isn't it?

It's 3:44 am, do you know where I am?

It's 3:44 in the morning and i can't sleep. Going the the U.S. embassy in a bit for some visa shizzle... and I cant sleep...

I heard from some where that you keep yourself up at night when you're mind is restless. Things like stress and anxiety can keep you up because they don't give your mind a chance to relax and thus drift off to sleep. Stuff like exercise during the day or relaxing showers or bed time reading is supposed to soothe the waking mind but those never worked out for me. I went to the Gym today and did a lot of stuff there. I went home with my back feeling all swollen yet here I am, awake to type this blog.

3:55 now.

Maybe my restless mind outweighs my efforts at sleep. I'm writing this blog now to relax but i think its pretty useless now since we're leaving at 5 soooo whatever. I was trying to put myself to sleep as i do on most night by watching youtube until exhaust myself out of boredom, But no... I think that only keeps me up even more. One Video leads to another and before you know it, its 3:44! Youtube does a terrific job of keeping you tuned in. Damned to recommended and related video lists!! they never end!

Whats bothering me?

I'm employed now, if you didn't know. My first day is on the 26th so unemployment isn't bothering me... its actually other more profound stuff thats keeping me up. Stuff that worries me from time to time. Its that im constantly haunted by a some unnatural loneliness at times, a kind of loneliness that isn't here yet but i can see its shadow looming from around the corner. Its all becoming clearer to me somehow that that is the direction i seem to be headed. 

It all started with the end of college and constantly grew during that lull between those ceremonies and my hiring date. There was simply nothing to do. Though I had a few fun days with friends here and there, most days i spent alone at home playing video games or out on the town looking for a job. 

You see what i saw? I don't have any real life outside of that that keeps me busy. It used to be school, and when that was over, I lost any real place to put my efforts. And without school and those things to keep me busy, I was with nobody, I was alone. I realized that most of my relationships are founded on things that keep me busy. Things like school, orgs etc, if those halted so did my meetings with the people i called my friends. It quite sad really, that it is as if I only exist to them (or them to me) in the context of... well context! 

It seems (I hope this isn't true of course!) that seeing these people is dependent of the activeness of whatever contexts i meet them in. And it was almost usually school, outside of that it seems like setting up another meeting isn't worth the effort.

I don't think ill miss college, I actually rejoiced that Id never have to go back to that god forsaken school, but i cant help but wonder how much im going to lose (or have lost!) with the end of College. Does it just end there? So work will just bring me a whole new set of friends? Work friends are nice but, its not the same being with the friends you've grown up with. People who were with you on the learning curve... You know what I mean?

Maybe it just seems a whole lot worse than it actually is. Surely, if you are my contact on multiply and know me quite a bit, you can say that I'm a bit of a conservative. I dont really actively seek out and foster relationships. I just naturally let them occur from my interactions of people. I dont even give birthday and Christmas gifts consistently! We're friends mostly due to chance, though I do value and put effort in keeping my relationship with you, I did very little to create it. It was mostly riding on said context for sustenance without which puts me in awkward footing. You get me? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!

Is my timidness biting me in the ass on this one? or is this just another phase? Maybe I do live off having something to busy me to make my limited free time more precious with friends? Or am i really fated to be that guy you know but dont really know that well, that guy you know but wont really be on the top of your guest lists or the kind you invite on vacation trips and stuff... Just that guy on the side? Am i really gonna be like that? Am i like that or will i be like that to you?

Do people even check their multiply anymore??

It's 4:23 am

Im gonna get me some soda

cheers!

-megeh

helloooooooo! anyone there?

i miss multiply :(

facebook = bleh

My soup smiled at me

My soup smiled at me before i took my next spoonful. This happened earlier this week at "Tapsi ni Vivian", in their "bottomless soup" thingy. Its bulalo, i think. This is the second time food smiled at me... the last time it was my beer! I didnt have a camera at the time so this was taken with my un-uber cell phone camera.

My friend said its a sign that maybe i should smile more often, that i "should return the favor"... maybe yeah

 

soup and beer make me smile. they're two very good things.

ive been getting a lot of "are you ok? you look pretty down" kinda comments this week. Do i really look sad? is it because im not smiling as much as my beer and soup? maybe its because there arent alot of happy things happening this week? would that justify to you people my "aura of sadness"? whenever im just looking out the window or thinking very hard about something does not mean i have a "problem" okay? its not that im shunning away your concern for or whatever... but those comments make me feel sadder coz it means "one more thing that doesnt make me smile" on the score board.

I just have a lot of things on my mind ignited by a few things that happen lately... Some stuff around august, Ondoy, Finals becoming optional, Ateneo Winning, Bonfire, the upcoming blue roast, my facebook getting hacked and a bunch of idle moments that should not have been so idle but they were coz megeh = fail. Im thinking of a lot of things i do not know how to share with people coz it "might" offend them or whatever.

i just have stuff on my mind... and it ain't the damn "seniour syndrome" or everybody's favourite: "love life" so dont talk to me if you want to talk about those.

I dont follow the series "how i met your mother" but i enjoy wathcing an episode when i come across one. The episode im gonna talk about is pretty old i think so no spoilers here i guess. It was thanksgiving episode where Robyn and Ted just broke up and were going to an awkward stage.

i felt awkward just watching them, seriously!

Ted said something cool there (a friend pointed it out to me, i didnt catch it the first time around)

it was something like:

"Friendship is an involuntary reflex"

and you know what... It makes alot of damn sense. I dont need to explain it but it does, don't it?

So im rethinking alot of things and decisions coz i cant seem to let go of them due to "current events". So im in this slump, i dont think you can help me... so just understand okay?

I'll smile when i want to. In the mean time, my beers and soups can do the smiling for me

 

My Beer Smiled at Me

my beer smiled at me last saturday evening. Out of the foamy goodness of San Mig Light (im a gay drinker, forgive me) a big grin parted the bubbles and stopped me from taking a sip.

That was the last photo i took that day as my the batteries of my camera died out. It was a long day for me and my camera; SAVE! campaign in the morning, History Trip to Binondo in the afternoon then finally Ia's 21st b-day bash. My camera couldnt handle it. Maybe mr. San Mig scared the spark out of it.

I like beer cause its relaxing. I prefer San Mig Light cause its what im used to. All i need is one (or rather, all i can take is one!) and im pretty much set for the night.

It was nice to drink a bit again last weekend, its a nice brake from everything... I really wanna take a break from everything. I hope i can clear up the weekend of the 25th, but by the looks of things, thats no gonna happen. Its the weekend of the next A-days batch and i really don't want to miss that! And its also Raymond's last event as Ecosoc's president... O Lord please grant me another weekend!

Weekdays suck soooo much! I go to school almost everyday to learn almost nothing as i sleep through every class. Pol sci? asleep.. Philo? dozing off.. Theo? out cold... Histo? heads on the table... Eco? in a slump at the back of the room...

argh, i hate school

You know that song of Stacie Orrico? the one when she was still kinda new on the scene? "There's gotta to be more to life than out each and every TEMPORARY HIGH that satisfies me". I'm afraid thats what im doing lately... Living out temporary highs to escape the drudgery of school life. Ateneo isnt as fun as it used to be

I wake up... go to school... sleep... go home... sleep.... I think ive lost so many hours to sleeping in class... And those temporary highs are getting fewer and far between.  There are hardly any highlights to my days lately, its only on the weekend (if the workload permits) that i can escape my downers. The Binondo Trip was a nice change of pace, but once it was over, the high was gone and down i went again.

I'm afraid if i dont get my steady fix of smiling beers, ill stop smiling altogether... The PS3 can only do so much nowadays and everyones so busy (myself included) that theres hardly any common time left for good old fashioned, wholesome fun.

Maybe i need to exercise more often, i hear it releases some kinda happy chemical in the body... yeah, maybe ill Jog on thurs, after class if the wheather allows.

I dunno, the balance isnt in my favor, there arent enough encouraging things happening to counter these downers. Im getting tired of lving... The short term is getting so much more important to me nowadays that it obscures the long term. How can i look forward to the future when i know tomorrow is gonna suck as well as the day after that.

I cant wait for this Sem to end

I cant wait to get FIlibits off the Ground

I just cant wait anymore.

is there something wrong with multiply?

cant seem to upload my stuff

You know whats funny...

There so many things in life that make life not worth living