Lonely day meditations

the frightening reality is that we all die alone

i spent most of the day alone. I'm sick with tonsillitis for over a week now. I'm dedicating his weekend to rest and recovery. I won't get rid of this infection if i tire myself at work everyday.

so im here in my room just facebooking and playing on the PS3. I finished Starhawk 2 days after i bought it. I cant say that i like the multiplayer though. Unlike most other multiplayer games i've played, Starhawk really needs you to communicate with your teammates. In mass effect 3, its possible to stomp around ignoring your team mates and still be fist place. Call of Duty Pros can mop the floor with the other team single handed, same goes for uncharted 3 multiplayer and co-op. But in Starhawk (and maybe to some extent, Battlefield 3), the scale of the battles really makes each individual player's efforts small. Building your base is impossible on your own. my team was owned on the first two games because we couldn't get our act together. Everyone was trying to build what they want then blasting off to do whatever they wanted. But the other team was smart. They saved up money to build up forward bases and tanks. Then bombarded us from well fortified positions. We all counterattacked in small ways. Doing sneaky one man rocketeer stunts and starhawk strafing. But it was in no way done in a coordinated strike the way our opponents did. Yes, we did what we wanted but it was no match for other team's siege strategy. As a contrast, not everyone did something particularly fun on the other team. Some went resource hunting and repairing,  others did the building and some did quick bike and hawk strafes to get to the flag while only 2 tanks were active at a time while the rest supported. Theoretically, everyone on the team could have been rolling on tanks since the forward base was set up, but they didnt. Everyone did their part, even if it wasnt the funnest thing to do. In the end, they won. I never set a foot outside my base.

That was long. but the point i wanted to bring out is that sometimes, for a certain goal to be reached. Somethings have to be done for the greater good, for the long term and all that jazz. So its not really a matter of who your doing it with but more of you guys all doing complimentary actions for the group goal rather than personal preference.

Its a simple concept which im sure most people know and understand. But when putting it in to practice, it can be difficult to execute.

Growing up i've adjusted to a certain philosophy of doing whatever i wanted regardless of other peoples opinions as long as i dont hurt or offend anybody with it. It made me a bit... weird... since i liked and did a lot of things that weren't that mainstream. So i kept to myself when it comes to my hobbies. I dont particularly enjoy basketball depsite the large social benefits one can get by playing and following basketball nor do i particularly follow TV series which got really popular as i hit college. So in the end, i dont really "play" well with others unless it involved eating food which everyone does anyway and it doesn't help with the "greater good" principle either.

Hence the starhawk dilemma. I just wanted to do one man operations like i do in most games but that clearly wont work here. You really have to stick to the team strategy to make the team win. Sticking with a solo strategy will just make you lose alone.

'

I'm in a certain situation now that really stresses this concept of "doing things i may not prefer to do but must do for a greater goal". Though i do want to attain the "team goal", the "things that i have to do" or rather "things that i've been told that i have to do" don't make sense to me. My disagreement and refusal to follow these mandates has derailed us from the attainment of the team goal. Note that these "things i have to do" were not specified by me but by my partner.

Now the question must be asked: Am i wrong for disagreeing? Or "do the things i have to do" wrong to begin with? Do i disagree because i dont understand? Or because i do not accept?

These are the things i dwell on now. Life is full of things you have to do. You may not like them, but if you want certain things in life... to be successful, to be healthy... to be happy, you have to do anything and everything to make them happen.

Do i leave this team? or do i stay?

Failure

Haven't been chalking up any wins these past years. Ever since college, its always been a struggle to rack up any achievement of any kind. 

Achievements that matter... I mean, yeah sure i graduated... but almost everyone did... so that really doesn't count. Yeah, I graduated with a minor in enterprise development because i was part of the SOMBA (school of management business development program) but I hardly got by. Incorporating was real hard, plus I barely scrounged up all the legal stuff. On top of that, the business wasn't sustainable even though on paper it was. As a leader, i failed to make it anything other than an excuse to get a "minor"

Then the start of my working years. Scored a management trainee program at SUN Cellular... seemed like a great opportunity at the time. Though I am learning alot and exposed to a great number of things, most of it is very industry or even company specific. I do alot at work, and go home late almost every night, but work these past few years is "superficial" at best. "Marami akong ginagawa, pero wala akong nagagawa". What I mean is that although I do my part of the work at SUN Cellular, I've yet to significantly contribute the the company's business. I'm afraid this experience is eroding the base of my now cloudy career path. It's strange... sometime ago, early on in my job, I seemed to idealistic of what I do and the goals of my work. Its almost two years and those are unrealized.

There are a couple of other things i tried... Franchising for one. Wanted something small and easy to manage on the side. Put up a small Ice Scramble booth in Shaw boulevard, right in front of JRU. It was a grueling process of finding the right franchise package and location for the business. On top of that, negotiating with Franchise company was unnecessarily difficult.Ending up in arguments with our contact. Even then, I was optimistic. I found a high traffic location that wasn't too far away with a land lord that was really accommodating. Everything seemed right... but lots of shit hit the fan. Sales were slow, my one and only employee was an asshole. Even when we started the booth very early on in the scramble trend, things just didn't. We closed up shop with a net loss and hardly any sales were made. I wasn't comfortable losing money that way.

Today i attempted my first marathon today. Got injured on the 25th kilometer. A classic case of runner's knee. Despite the program i joined and the training I did. The 25th km ended it for me. I attempted to limp my way to the finish line. But the race organizers stopped me on the 36th k. "Cut off time" they said.I can confidently say i have the stamina for this. I wasn't tired. My injury stopped me. And because of that, today I chalked up another failure. I'll continue to run after I recover from my injury and try to redeem myself. Maybe I can complete the run united series (at least the 21K runs)

I'm now trying my hand in investments. Going to try investing in the PSEi once the market corrects itself. I learned about investing in indexes after reading "A Random Walk Down Wall Street" by Burton Malkiel. Its not really to make a killing though. Its just supposed to create a nest egg for me in the future to supplement my other investments in mutual funds. I hope to God that these decisions won't kill me like my previous ones.

Needless to say. I'm really down right now. I need a win in my life. Something to say that I am doing something worth doing. I need to think this through. Is this the so called "quarter life crisis" i'm going through? How do you deal with something like this? I need to win, I need to win bad

Typos

Wheneve it type something here in multiply... ang daming typo. LOL Spelling errors where i pres "o" instead of "i"... shit like that. Then it totally changes the meaning of the work or just makes it look downright stupid sounding.

I dont proofread this stuff, i just rant a click "save & publish". Only when its posted do I see (or other people) see the typos. once tweeted something and typed the word "by" when i really meant "buy". dafuq, that tweet made no sense.

When its up there in the internetz, someone's bound to see it until you edit it. Its like that with a lot of things really... once you post something wrong... it stays wrong until you edit it... but theres always a change someone see that mistake... and that mistake can have an effect on people... 

Thats something you can't really edit away easily

Mga Walang pake

People just don't care.

It's just like that quote I saw over on 9gag. Your friends aren't good to you because you're a good person, it's because theyre good people. The capacity to do good isn't solely based on the recipient of a good deed but on the doer. So when people fuck you up, intentionally or unintentionally. They should fucking rot in hell. They did what they did kasi... Wala silang pake

Is...

Is a cynical twenty something that's mad at everything because he's frustrated and disappointed at what he has become and where he is going. Yes there are still a few gems in his life. Yet most that have chosen to become close to him or have accepted him in their life have either easily drifted away or have regretted being so open. He... Is a rare dish, a dish most have no taste for, only a few can stomach, and even fewer... Enjoy

He revels in his difference, yet he knows it serves him not. He is covered in a gentle and quiet aura, but once you step in, you realize it was but a shroud to reality of he who IS

Inconsiderate Filipinos, Sunday habits, and a dead multiply

rained hard today. traffic came with it. Picking up and dropping off people at church was hell (ironically speaking lol). People just took their sweet time getting off and on their cars.

Its really stupid... happening right on the church driveway. Why the hell does it take so long? you could be out of the car in under a minute. There's a roof on the church driveway! surely the rain isn't the reason right? It was more than 3 quarters into the mass when I finally got in.

its really stupid how inconsiderate people can be. Taking their sweet time as the traffic piles up to 2 or 3 blocks down the street.

lol at least that's out of the way.

Sunday Habit = staying up late, youtubing and eventually blogging on multiply

oh multiply... i hope you will never take down my content like friendster did. I don't want to go out of my way to put a wordpress or blogspot when everything is here. My media locker in the cloud. My memories of a time long gone.

Its sad how dead multiply is

the posts are few and far in between... mostly by ccello. His movie reviews never fail to pop up. The posts are "personal" he says, not for the "public". Even though its on the web, i doubt anyone but me would see those posts. haha. Facebook really did something didnt it?

such a ghost town. I wish it was alive the way it used to be. I remember how much i loved this site. Its definitely not the same as facebook

Another long weekend... ends

i looked at my previous entry... and saw the typos. LOL. I should proof read more. (proof read... is that one word or two?)

So what's happening this week?

Hopefully i find out if my credit card gets approved this week

Only got "work" on wednesday and friday. 

Tuesday night, I'm up typing this when i should be sleeping (and i watched "Predators" today)

Wednesday is my groggy monday as i try to remember what were the stuff I'm supposed to be continuing from last week. Its also Badminton practice for the sports fest

Thursday is training day (social media marketing??)

Friday is back to work

Saturday is the sports fest, plus another commitment

Sunday is the day I spend locked in my room... and mass of course

LOL, got my whole week figured out... and i remember how i used to complain that I've got nothing to do all the time... I had a lot of time to myself today. It was like those stagnant days that i used to have a lot of. The days i hated, the ones that got me depressed. I welcome those days now. Its nice to not "think" once in a while.

My former boss said to me before he resigned: "when you grow old, you make decisions for your family and not for yourself". (referring to his decision to resign a job he liked and look for a more "rewarding" job) Ever since he said that, I started doing anything i want with my life. For when (and IF) the time comes that i choose to settle down, all my choices won't be for me anymore, but for those i love (CHEESY SH*T)

So live life like a shallow bastard, eat, drink and sleep. because right now, I think i (we) deserve it