I heard from some where that you keep yourself up at night when you're mind is restless. Things like stress and anxiety can keep you up because they don't give your mind a chance to relax and thus drift off to sleep. Stuff like exercise during the day or relaxing showers or bed time reading is supposed to soothe the waking mind but those never worked out for me. I went to the Gym today and did a lot of stuff there. I went home with my back feeling all swollen yet here I am, awake to type this blog.
3:55 now.
Maybe my restless mind outweighs my efforts at sleep. I'm writing this blog now to relax but i think its pretty useless now since we're leaving at 5 soooo whatever. I was trying to put myself to sleep as i do on most night by watching youtube until exhaust myself out of boredom, But no... I think that only keeps me up even more. One Video leads to another and before you know it, its 3:44! Youtube does a terrific job of keeping you tuned in. Damned to recommended and related video lists!! they never end!
Whats bothering me?
I'm employed now, if you didn't know. My first day is on the 26th so unemployment isn't bothering me... its actually other more profound stuff thats keeping me up. Stuff that worries me from time to time. Its that im constantly haunted by a some unnatural loneliness at times, a kind of loneliness that isn't here yet but i can see its shadow looming from around the corner. Its all becoming clearer to me somehow that that is the direction i seem to be headed.
It all started with the end of college and constantly grew during that lull between those ceremonies and my hiring date. There was simply nothing to do. Though I had a few fun days with friends here and there, most days i spent alone at home playing video games or out on the town looking for a job.
You see what i saw? I don't have any real life outside of that that keeps me busy. It used to be school, and when that was over, I lost any real place to put my efforts. And without school and those things to keep me busy, I was with nobody, I was alone. I realized that most of my relationships are founded on things that keep me busy. Things like school, orgs etc, if those halted so did my meetings with the people i called my friends. It quite sad really, that it is as if I only exist to them (or them to me) in the context of... well context!
It seems (I hope this isn't true of course!) that seeing these people is dependent of the activeness of whatever contexts i meet them in. And it was almost usually school, outside of that it seems like setting up another meeting isn't worth the effort.
I don't think ill miss college, I actually rejoiced that Id never have to go back to that god forsaken school, but i cant help but wonder how much im going to lose (or have lost!) with the end of College. Does it just end there? So work will just bring me a whole new set of friends? Work friends are nice but, its not the same being with the friends you've grown up with. People who were with you on the learning curve... You know what I mean?
Maybe it just seems a whole lot worse than it actually is. Surely, if you are my contact on multiply and know me quite a bit, you can say that I'm a bit of a conservative. I dont really actively seek out and foster relationships. I just naturally let them occur from my interactions of people. I dont even give birthday and Christmas gifts consistently! We're friends mostly due to chance, though I do value and put effort in keeping my relationship with you, I did very little to create it. It was mostly riding on said context for sustenance without which puts me in awkward footing. You get me? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!
Is my timidness biting me in the ass on this one? or is this just another phase? Maybe I do live off having something to busy me to make my limited free time more precious with friends? Or am i really fated to be that guy you know but dont really know that well, that guy you know but wont really be on the top of your guest lists or the kind you invite on vacation trips and stuff... Just that guy on the side? Am i really gonna be like that? Am i like that or will i be like that to you?
Do people even check their multiply anymore??
It's 4:23 am
Im gonna get me some soda
cheers!
-megeh
